I'm sure that you've heard by now that Spongebob Squarepants is going to burn alongside the rest of the tormented for all eternity, since Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family decided that he was being used to promote the gay lifestyle -- because Spongebob and his friend Patrick hold hands, occasionally wear fishnets stockings, and play catch with cans of lubricant. (I just made that last one up.) Luckily for the souls of our animated friends, the United Church of Christ (via their president Rev. John A. Thomas) has forgiven them, accepted who they are, and welcomed them into the loving folds of the church. (Click on the link for a nice picture of 'the welcoming.')
Except that they're cartoooooooons, which means that they're much more likely to have their paper and cell sheets recycled into newspapers and soda bottles than actually end up in Heaven. Apparently, that doesn't matter to Christ.
Is the state of religion so unfortunate, where they have officially run out of real people to discriminate against? We all know science is bad, gays are bad, atheists are bad, people that have sex are bad, people that work on Sunday are bad, Buddhists are bad, people that work in the movie industry are bad, and, well, all of America other than them is bad. Must they begin telling us which fictional characters are not allowed into Heaven? I fear for any male character from Victorian literature.
Dr. Dobson contends that he doesn't object to Spongebob, only that he fears that thinly-veiled gay subtext of the show is being used to promote a gay-friendly lifestyle to those that wouldn't understand it. That's right, he objects to a mostly asexual character being used to promote tolerance to children who (as of yet) have not been indoctrinated to hate gay people. Fucking Spongebob! Oh, I know I'd hate it if my children were being taught not to hate other people before I could teach them to hate other people.
I suppose Dr. Dobson would've been okay with Spongebob, had he not only been depicted holding hands with Patrick, but also as a vicious atheist fishnet-wearing drug dealer gunned down by a brave, God-fearin' octopus. At least that way, kids would learn a lesson. Then again, octopi have tentacles, and tentacles could remind one of...nah. They wouldn't stoop that low.
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