In a shocking announcement, Rush Limbaugh admitted that he is addicted to government issue pills that cause him to be an arrogant, racist, truth-distorting, lying, hate-spewing shill for the state. He then checked himself into a rehab center to be de-programmed. Thousands of his loyal sheep bahhhhed, crushed their beer cans over their heads, cursed the wretched liberal media, cited a vast left-wing conspiracy, rubbed their Ann Coulter posters and turned over to the Fox Network for validation of their moral superiority.
President Bush praised Mr. Limbaugh for avoiding the military and leading the propaganda machine. ‘You know we live in a great country. A very forgiving country. A country that loves to see ignorant, arrogant, talentless, overrated, scrupleless, silver-spooned white men succeed. Look at me and my buddies! Anybody can succeed. Anybody can become president or CEO or mouth of the airwaves! It’s the greatest country in the world. We love you, Rush!’
Sean Hannity said: ‘Rush is an honorable man. It takes a lot of guts to admit you’ve made a mistake. You know we’re only human. We’re not gods.’
Bill O’Reilly replied: ‘Speak for yourself, Sean. I most certainly am. We don’t need no stupid pills to know the absolute truth. I’ve known the absolute truth since I was 7 years old. Just give me a Bible, a flag, a shotgun and an illegal maid…ummm…scratch that last remark.’
Neal Boortz bent over and replied: ‘Whatever Sean said. He has a bigger market.’
After several obscure references to ancient Roman masturbation techniques, Dennis Miller said: ‘I’ve tried those non-government issued drugs. All they did was make me wanna get laid and speak longingly of world peace. Kid’s stuff! Especially compared to this stuff Rush is taking. Man, now that’s good shit. Give me a good power trip any day!’
The recently jailed Tommy Chong replied: ‘Fuck. Looks like I’ve been taking the wrong shit.’
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