BUSH: "HUSSEIN CHEATS AT MONOPOLY"
Washington, D.C. - Feb. 11 2003
AS PART of an escalating war of rhetoric against Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, today President Bush accused the Iraqi leader of cheating at a popular board game, Monopoly.
Bush spoke at a local military base today to a standing army only audience: "Recent evidence has come to our attention that only adds to the fact that Saddam Hussein is an evil-doer. Not only does he gas his own people, not only does he snub his nose at the United Nations and the United States on a regular basis, kicking out weapons inspectors whenever he chooses, but the man also cheats at monopoly!
"You show me a man who cheats at monopoly, and I'll show you a man hoarding weapons of mass destruction."
Bush then proceeded to pull out a tape recorder. "Here, let me show you some proof, or let you listen to it, rather. This is an intercept tape our intelligence forces have uh, intercepted recently . . . " He presses play. Garbled Iraqi voices are to be heard.
Bush translates: "Ok here, General Atuwa says, 'You sunk my battleship!'
"Hussein: 'We're not playing that game, idiot! We're playing Monopoly!'
"Atuwa: 'Why we play stupid capitalist-pig game like Monopoly anyway? Battleship is more for generals.'
"Hussein: 'Shut up and roll the dice, Atuwa, before I make you play hopscotch. Playing capitalistic-pig games helps us get inside their heads. This is a useful psychological device.'"
Here Bush shuts off the tape recorder, motions off-stage.
"Next piece of evidence is a satellite photo. At this point in the game, Saddam takes out a hidden card which was concealed in his sleeve."
We see an enlarged photo on a large white screen behind Bush. On it are 3 red blocks and 2 grey ones.
"The first red block here is Saddam. Now, we can't show you the whole evidence, but if you look closely at the bottom of this block here, you can clearly see a hidden stash of monopoly money, barely concealed under his sleeve."
Bush faces audience again. "I'm sick and tired of this man, America. What kind of a man cheats at Monopoly? The kind that I'm gonna get--dead or alive. God Bless America!"
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