American Samizdat

Thursday, November 23, 2006. *
First, the breaking news . . .

Turkey Pardons Turkey; Turkey Doesn't Pardon Turkey. The P! P!seudo News Service (P!P!NS), 11/22/2006 WASHINGTON, DC.

At the nation's capital today, President George W Bush pardoned the Thanksgiving turkey in a traditional ceremony. For the first time in history, however, there was a condition. In return for amnesty, Bush stipulated that the bird go hunting with Vice President Richard Cheney, who could find nobody to accompany him on a planned hunting expedition in Mclean, VA. The turkey, who would only say that he was "Tom, from Passaic, New Jersey" agreed and left the Rose Garden without shaking Bush's hand.

In a press conference in his office on L Street, where he serves as CEO of the lobbying group "International Association of Iquana Eaters", Tom commented that, He's got a lotta damn nerve pardoning me. Who's he think he is, Gerry Ford?" He also stated that he could not in good conscience reciprocate, since he was a war criminal and should stand trial for crimes against both humanity and fowl.

He later followed up his remarks in an interview with Katie Couric ("I feel a strong psychic connection with her"), saying, "I'd call the stupid SOB a turkey, but that would insult all my brethren."

He was last seen trying to purchase an Uzi and a Tech-9 in a parking lot in Bethesda.

Wild Turkey or Attempted Turkicide?. The P! P!seudo News Service (P!P!NS), 11/22/2006 WASHINGTON, DC.

Vice President Richard Cheney was admitted to Walter Reed hospital this evening for an undisclosed ailment, after being rushed there by an anonymous citizen in a battered 30 year old Ford 150. The driver sped away after pushing Cheney out in the EW parking lot, and was not available for comment. An eye witness later the described the driver as looking "a lot like Michael Richardson."

P!P!NS correspondent OB Laden, disguised as Ted Koppel, was able to conduct a brief clandestine interview with the Vice President before being dragged from the room by Blackwater Security Forces and dumped in the Potomac. He reports that the Vice President, alternately snarling and grimacing due to what appeared to be shotgun wounds on his face and neck, would only say, "I drank too much Wild Turkey, OK!? Now get the fuck outta here!"

Although the Secret Service maintained that it was unrelated, a scheduled FedEx flight to Crawford, Texas was delayed at Dulles Airport for three hours while agents searched three hundred boxes of Butterball Turkeys. Airport security staff reported that the plane was finally released for take off, carrying fifty boxes of melting turkeys.

Kurds Protest Deadly Turkeybombs. The P! P!seudo News Service (P!P!NS), 11/22/2006 WASHINGTON, DC. Militia in Kurdistan in northern Iraq expressed outrage at deadly bombings of a strip mall bazaar in Mosul and a Citgo gas station in Kirkuk in which forty civilians, mostly American evangelical missionaries, were killed by what appeared to be approximately one hundred frozen Butterball turkeys dropped from a Lufthansa DC-3. The Kurdish militia claimed that KBR private security forces thwarted the ensuing investigation by gathering up the evidence and escaping over the border to Nusaybin.

Rupert Does It Again! In P!P!NS Entertainment News, Manhattan restaurant magnate Rupert dropped a frozen Butterball Turkey over 100 feet from a downtown rooftop into a bucket of used frying grease to win the Nth Annual Late Night Turkey Drop. "Only 140 to go Dave!!", remarked the triumphant deli-man.
posted by ddjango at 6:47 AM
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